Abundant Allure

guest post by scarb

Being that I'm an openly whoremonal nymphomaniac in pregnancy, I am often asked how I can even manage to have sex comfortably when I am so huge. (Currently nearing the 40 week mark.) Well, I'm here to tell you my secrets.

The trick to pregnant sex is not a matter of size or comfortable positions. The real feat is convincing your partner of your need for his, ahem, prostoglandins and his oxytocin releasing powers when you have spent the better part of the week presenting yourself as an evil, four-headed succubus.

Let's face it, very few of us females are die-hard sperm lovers. It's messy, stinky and doesn't taste particularly good either. It's tolerable for the very reason that you need it twice in your reproductive career: once to conceive and the second time, to soften your cervix so baby can come out.

Oh sure, my whoremones are making me want to be treated like Tony Soprano's cumare -- being carted off to fancy, carb and cream-rich dinners; being shagged roughly by a real baddie – but the reality of pregnant sex does make things physically challenging. Doggie style with a pillow under my swelling breasts for support is about the only thing I can manage at this point. But I need that sperm if I'm ever going to be rescued from the burden of carrying this child on my once-strong and flexible body.

So how to convince a man, who is so tired from doing the bulk of the child-rearing, housecleaning and working, to muster up the energy to give you a good going over? I do what any child of immigrants raised with guilt and worry as a means of motivation would do: I paint a scary picture.

"The doctor said that if we didn't have lots of 'intercourse' in the next week, we may have to have another C-section…"

"Oh, you know what I forgot? I forgot how we couldn't have sex for like 6 WEEKS afterwards! That's going to be tough…"

"All my girlfriends that had vaginal birth say that sex is never the same. That it's like pulling a sled over a dry speed bump, or like shining a flashlight in a cavern…"

"What if I tear and I end up with Frankenpussy?"

It's been working, sorta. When that fails, I go to my trump card – a pink lace bra I got in Paris with matching lace panties. (Yes, even though I'm the size of a whale, I will put on lingerie in desperate times.) Wearing the set is like sporting a sandwich board that says, "I would like to fuck now." Because sometimes, to my dismay, you have to be that obvious.

What are your pregnant sex tips?

Comments

[kittenpie]

Nadine, I am totally planning to post an opposite experience post here some day soon, I swear it. I am awed by you.

[Jennifer McKenzie]

LOL. I never had to use scare tactics. No matter how bad my Whoremones are, my Redneck is still ready to go. The advantage of living with a horndog I guess. Sending you good labor thoughts for the onslaught of "fun".

[Mominatrix]

The mominatrix suggests oral, vibrators, and porn.

[Anna]

I so miss pregnancy sex... the O's were so much better!

[tech @ mommyblogstoronto]

omg I am laughing so hard right now, I risk waking bumper. You amaze me, all kneel down and praise Nadine!

[Stephanie]

To be honest, grabbing him by the "motivators" (gently, though, GENTLY) and announcing "I want you NOW!!" always worked for me.