Losing Myself

Let me first apologize for the gloominess of this post.  It's raining out today and I'm feeling rather morose.  But then, this space is supposed to be "better than a playdate", and I know that sometimes a playdate is the best place to air out pent up emotions.

In high school, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life.  It was basically assumed that I was going to be a teacher because it's a strong trend in my family and I have a natural aptitude for it.  Aptitude, yes.  Passion?  No.  So I eschewed sense, and pursued the visual arts.  I have great passion for art, but I am a social person, and couldn't imagine spending a large portion of my life holed up in some room making art.  Alone.  Plus, I'm not keen on living a life of obscurity, and only - maybe! - receiving recognition after I'm dead.

Early on in high school, I discovered theatre.  I always assumed it was going to be a "hobby", until one day I discovered that I not only wanted, but needed, to pursue it full time.  I'm not the best actor out there, but I'm solidly consistent.  Sometimes, I have moments of pure brilliance, but they are few and far between.  I somehow thought that if I could just harness those moments, then I could really make a go of it. 

But, oh, the passion!  Putting aside family and friends for a moment, there is nothing else in the world that makes me feel more alive, more present.  It's hard to describe to someone who hasn't felt it.  Without firsthand knowledge, I often imagine it's similar to the feeling that drug addicts have - the more you have, the more you want.  It is a huge part of who I am.  It, in part, defines who I am.

In the last play I did, I found out I was pregnant with my first son.  I haven't done anything in the theatre since June of 2004.  Four years. When we got pregnant, the husband and I decided that we had to be very choosy about what shows we did AND we could never, of course, be doing a show at the same time.  That, and a variety of other reasons (couldn't get cast while pregnant, couldn't spare the time while breastfeeding, couldn't do a show because the husband was cast, couldn't do a show while back in school) have kept me out of the theatre for a very long time.  Too long.

Motherhood has opened up a whole new world for me.  It has made me a better person than I was.  I wanted that change.  I still want it.  I am happy to be a mother, and couldn't love my children more if I tried.  But, I miss that other part of myself.  I miss being on stage. I miss being seen as a person in and of myself, not just as someone's mom.  I feel somehow as if I don't really know who I am anymore.  That I can only define myself in terms of someone's mother, or someone's wife.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, this is a very short time in my life.  But I am finding it really difficult to walk around, this amorphous bubble of a person with no shape or sense of boundaries. Like I have to walk around with my family to be interesting at all. How can I find the time to stop and enjoy motherhood, and still find the time to be the person I miss?  I have no easy answers today.

Comments

[kittenpie]

I must admit, by about ten mnths in, when things were getting easier, I started being ready to go back to work and do the thing I loved, too. I can't imagine going four years - that would be really hard.

I think, though, that if I weren't working at the library, I'd be pursuing other hobbies more vigorously - reading, glass work, and blogging being the chief among them. Perhaps you could find a way, once the Baby gets a bit bigger, to carve out some time for you - for mosaics, for visual art, for whatever else gives you something to think about, something to feel proud of beyond your cute boys.

[Holly]

we could have A LOT to chat about.

[mamatulip]

Substitute your passion for theatre with writing and I could have written this.

I understand so much of this post.

[christine]

i wish i had a good answer for you about all of this, but i don't. i envy how you love the theater--i don't have a passion like that in y life.

[Gabriella]

I don't have the answers either...it's a struggle to be who we want to be at the same time as being a mother amongst other roles...but the time will come when you will be able to shine again!

[Mac and Cheese]

You'll get back to where you want to be. Hang in there.

[Don Mills Diva]

The opportunity to follow your passion will return - you will make it so, that much is clear reading this...

[Hollie Pollard]

Oh I so understand, I have no been doingmy loves for awhile now and it is looking like another year before I even have the chance.

[Lisa b]

I had expected to love staying home with my kids but before my first was even born I knew I wanted to go back to work. The SAHM gig is the hardest job in the world. I've written it into my job description that I get some time to do the stuff I love.
I went back to work between my two kids and it was great. It also reminded me how hard it would be to get to work with two kids. So I keep that in the forefront of my mind.

[erin]

Know that it will come...one day when you're least expecting it you will be called to what you love. It might just be a surprise when it happens, as it might be a surprise what you are called to do.

[Amy]

I can relate. I have not set foot on a stage since I got pregnant in 2002, and I miss. Now that my daughter is showing an interest in theatre, I'm terrified of turning into a stage mother from hell.
But, on the upside, I get to flex my performance muscles every single day reading Dr. Seuss books to my baby. Who needs to play Lady Macbeth? I get to play Fox in socks. There are no small parts, I guess.