Ham or Eggs, Baby?

So, the Husband and I were catching up on past seasons of Grey's Anatomy, and we watched an episode where a couple were having a baby.  As an interesting twist, the guy was all gung-ho about the baby and the relationship, but the woman was having second thoughts.  And in a discussion, he came out with his philosophy "Ham or eggs, baby?  Ham or eggs??"  I was immediately intrigued.

The reasoning behind the philosophy is that in every relationship, you are either a chicken or a pig.  Together, a chicken and a pig can make a lovely meal (i.e. ham and eggs), but both parties have not contributed on the same level.  The pig, fried up and served on the plate, is committed.  The chicken, bringing only her eggs to the equation, is simply involved.  Having never heard this philosophy before (yes, I do live under a rock, thankyouverymuch), it was like a lightbulb went off over my head.  It seems to me that this separation can happen in the parenting arena as well.

 

In the past, if there was a chicken to be found amongst parents, it was often the father.  To be fair, though, the cards are really stacked against dads.  Mother and child have an instant connection from the womb, which is solidified with breastfeeding.  They need the mother for food.  Taking time off from work to care for the baby is usually done by the mother.  Parental leave is for a significantly shorter amount of time, and in many industries, it is career suicide for the dad, even if it is, technically, "allowed".  And since the dad is at work all day to bring home the bacon (ahem), and not spending every waking minute with the baby, it's not unusual to find himself out of the loop.  From there, it can be a hop skip and a jump to backing out, and even when he is home, just leaving the daily decisions to the primary caregiver eventhough he's perfectly capable of making them on his own.  It's the "but you do it so much better than I do honey" mentality.

Conversely, even if the mother is the one who stays home all day and is supposedly "committed", she can be a chicken too.  I know I've done it.  I make excuses for my cranky and generally unpleasant behaviour because I didn't get proper sleep.  I put the baby in the exersaucer or let the kid watch TV when I have no patience for playtime.  Tomorrow, I'll be better, I say.  Tomorrow, I'll be committed.  I know that everyone has those moments and it doesn't make them a bad parent, but it can be a slippery slope.  I know full well when I've gone past the "I need a break" point to simply being there to see to the basic needs (food, shelter, supervision) of the kids and not much more.  Present but not "there".

OK, well now that we're all depressed, let me just say that the flip side can be pretty fantastic.  A friend of mine told me about her friend's husband, who, when he comes home from work, doesn't change his clothes or check his email.  He goes straight to the kitchen and pours his wife a glass of wine.  He hands it to her, and for the next couple of hours, he is in charge of the kidlets.  The wife can take that time to do precisely what she wants.  Alone.  Sans kid.  My dad used to do all the nighttime feedings (I was a formula baby), so that my mom could get a good night's sleep.  My husband offered to try bottle-feeding our breastfed son last night so that I could go out for dinner with friends, eventhough we've only attempted it a few times in the past with mixed results.  I love a man who takes charge.  And when Mama's happy, everyone is happy.

So, the next time that someone calls you a pig, just smile and say "Thank you!".  It's a high compliment.  Whoever said that TV can't be enlightening...?

**What do you think?  Have we progressed to Chicken-free parenting?  Do you know someone who is a total Pig?  Share, share!  Warm my cockles, please.  Oink.

Comments

[Don Mills Diva]

I think women end up being the pigs waaay more often than men - I wish it weren't true but it has been my experience. I work full time and have a husband who is off for months at a stretch and I can still count on two hands the number of times he has gotten up with our son in 2.5 years - it makes me sad...

[kgirl]

I had not heard the expression before Grey's as well, so it must be a big rock.

I think there are dads out there that are barely chickens, and there are those that go for it whole hog (waka waka). If it doesn't seem to come natural to dad, that's understandable (hey, it doesn't always come natural to mom), but I have seen that much of it has to do with what the other parent will put up with. The women that I know who complain about their husbands don't really ask for more than what they're (not) getting. It's gotta be a team effort.

Must end by saying that my babydaddy rocks, and I think he was just made that way.

[kittenpie]

LOL at kgirl!

Misterpie was bacon from the get-go, right in the hospital, when I was recovering from the C, he would walk the halls with her, seeing how much the crying was making me edgy. He'd walk with her while I pumped so I wasn't so stressed. Because I was pumping, he took some feedings so I could get some sleep. I never would have made it with a less committed guy, but then, I wouldn't have made a baby with a guy that I knew wouldn't step up, either.

I think there is also this dynamic in some families - that the woman is so used to doing it her way, teh "right" way, that she steps in and corrects and takes over until the husband backs off. I don't think women even know they are doing it, but I've definitely seen it. So we also need to be more accepting of the fact that parents can do things differently, and it's okay.

[Beck]

I'm a chicken in EVERY area of my life, except with my kids. With them, some sort of unexpected mammallian thing kicked in and I am utterly committed.
Everyone else gets eggs.

[Erin]

I think some things will never change and it mostly comes down to personality types. What has changed is that popular culture has adjusted itself to allow men, sometimes even encourage them, to be pigs. Wait A Minute! That sounds bad. Didn't they used to be pigs? Oh, ya, that's right, pigs of a different nature. As it is in our house we do a sliding scale of chicken to pig, trying to support each other along the way. One needs to remember that deep down inside that farm animal of a parent there is an individual spore to nurture as well. It's getting better, I think, in my own home and the north American culture. Except all the animals need to band togeher and just turn the cell phones off a little more often.

[Backpacking Dad]

Oink oink, baby.

My wife gets to be a pig when she gets home. I don't let her chicken out.

[AlphaPigMa]

When our oldest was born my husband was at home with us every day for 2 months (stoopid downsizing of job) so he was totally committed. When the second came along we bottle fed and traded night duty back and forth. So yeah, we are both pigs.

My pet peeve is women who force their husbands to be chickens. Like my friend who declared her husband was never allowed to change a diaper because he couldn't do it The Right Way. Yeah, because mechanical engineers are totally fuddled by those velcro closures on the pampers. Yeesh.

[Cara]

I had never heard of this before but found it very interesting and true. My husband took off 2 weeks after I had a repeat C-section to "help me out" and spent the whole time doing major home improvement projects. He was involved but not committed to helping me out.