Meet My New Frenemy

Ok, so, you know how last week I totally told you about how much I love food, and how much of it I eat? Well, ha ha, the joke’s on me, as it seems like that very same food is the stuff keeping my body ripe and riddled with chronic allergies, asthma and excema.

I finally bit the bullet and went to go see my friend/naturopathic doctor concerning my trifecta of complaints, and – as I already knew but didn’t want to deal with – she confirmed that diet indeed plays a huge part in keeping me and my inflamed, overworked immune system down.

Food, it seems, has become my greatest frenemy.

And so, to truly find out what foods trigger my symptoms and exacerbate my problems, I must do something else I already knew I would have to do but didn't want to deal with: The Dreaded Elimination Diet.

‘Oh, K,’ my ND said, ‘It’s going to be so easy for you; you’ve already cut so much of the junk out of your diet.’

Well, that’s what she said, but she was wrong.

See, the thing is, yes, it’s true - I long ago cut out almost all processed, gross and fast food, as well as all white flour/sugar/table salt and non-organic meat and dairy.

The problem is, getting rid of that crap was easy. The stuff that’s left is the stuff I really, really like. And this diet, although only three weeks in length, is totally intense.

Here’s a sample list of the stuff I can’t eat:

- Gluten of any kind (wheat, barley, oats, etc.)
- Dairy of any kind (yogurt, cheese, milk, ICE CREAM!)
- Soy of any kind (tofu, tempeh, soy sauce, soy milk, soy ICE CREAM!)
- Citrus fruit besides lemon
- All tropical fruit (banana, pineapple, mango, etc.)
- All mold-susceptible fruits (melons, berries, etc.)
- Any vegetable in the nightshade family (potato, mushroom, eggplant, etc.)
- Coffee

Excuse me? Did that last one say coffee? No. Just – No. We’re gonna have to talk about that last one, because I’m pretty sure ‘Rip your husband’s head off and stuff it down his gullet because you haven’t had coffee in three weeks and are a stark-raving withdrawing madwoman’ is not on the list of things I can eat.

Yes, let’s move on to a list of the stuff that I can eat.

- Rice
- Rice
- Rice
- Wild Rice (as long as there are no oats, barley, or wheat products in it)
- Rice
- Rice

Yum!

Ok, obviously I’m exaggerating. A bit. I can eat water and air and imaginary triple-scoops of imaginary Cherry Gargia ice cream, and rainbows and unicorns, and if I figure out what the hell ‘teff’ is, I can eat that too.

But wait! There’s more! To prepare for my shithead cleanse, I have to spend a week chugging some disgusting pro-biotic powder, freebasing fish oil, and charting every single thing I eat.

Here’s what a typical day on my chart looks like:

Breakfast:
- Coffee and don’t come near me until I’m done
- Peach yogurt

Lunch:
- 2 slices veggie turkey
- raw vegetables (carrot, tomato, cucumber, avacado,)
- 2 chunks havarti cheese
- 1 slice 2 slices homemade strawberry shortcake

Dinner:
- Roast chicken
- Roasted veggies (carrots, potato, sweet potato, parsnip)
- Spinach salad
- Quinoa
- Blueberry tart
- Peppermint tea

(Here’s where it gets dangerous)

Snacks:
- Homemade banana blueberry bran muffin (2)
- Rice cake ((2)) (3)
- Apple
- Handful of honey/mustard chips (big)
- Plain yogurt w/strawberries, blueberries & granola (big serving)
- 1 Moosehead
- PB&J on multigrain toast
- Cinnamon Life cereal w/soy milk
- Another handful of chips
- Decaf latte
- 8,000 cups of water

Pray for me, people.

So, yeah, I’ll keep you posted on the cleanse and how well I’m doing. It’s costing me a lot of money, so I’m not gonna cheat, but I may die.

Anybody got a good recipe for tapioca and teff ice cream?

*SoundBITE*
According to Chinese medicine, the large intestine is directly organ-coupled with the lungs. This pair’s emotion is grief, and it’s portal is the skin. Chances are, if you have trouble breathing, the problem lies in your gut. And you might be a sad soul. I paid $200 to learn this, but I’ll give it to you for free. You’re welcome.

Comments

[Mouse]

Teff is one of the gluten-free options I've tried out. I even wrote about it on my nearly-dead kitchen blog:
http://themouseskitchen.blogspot.com/2008/01/new-breakfast-option.html
It makes a great breakfast cereal. I have had mixed results with the flour in baked goods, but haven't actually done that much with it.

I just got a food list from my acupuncturist that confirms some suspicions I've had, but doesn't mean it will be easy to follow.

No potatoes or tropical fruit - or coffee - what kind of witchcraft is this? I kid, I've done one cleanse in recent years, and I felt lighter and livelier. But the coffee... oh the coffee, just can't stop joe baby. I'll pray for you.