playdate: How Does A Redneck Shower?

1) When there's a hole in tha buckit! <

2) When it rains. (Thas' for laundry too, yanno!)

3) Shower? Isn't that sumthin' that those folk in Ontario do?*

*(Canada joke; substitute 'the city' for 'Ontario' for broader relevance.)

Okay, admit it: you've always wanted to shower the Redneck Mommy. Lather her up, scrub her down... that girl was made for showers. And she was just askin' for this one - what with this whole becoming a new mommy and all.

(Editorial note: CATHERINE IS AN AUNTY SQUEEEEE! You can, for this weekend, all refer to me as His Bad Redneck Aunty, thankee very much.)

(Where were we?)

Our dear, dirty Tanis is bringing home her boy this weekend, and we - myself, Kristen and Katie - thought that it would be all kinds of awesome to celebrate. And we thought that the best way to celebrate would be to get in touch with our inner rednecks and ask the Internets to play along. So, here's how we're showering: tell us how YOU are a redneck mommy or daddy. Have you ever carried your baby around, oh, say, Nashville, with paper towels stuffed down his shitty pants because you forgot diapers and he crapped himself in Jack's BBQ and oh god they just don't sell diapers in downtown Nashvegas and please, please, does anyone have a maxipad even??? (Not that I'd personally know anything about that *cough*) Have you ever bathed your kid in a bucket? Have you ever answered the door with your nursing bra flaps down? Have you ever, even once, worn rollers in your hair and held a baby on your hip and thought to yourself, DAMN I'd look hot standing outside of a trailer right now?

Sometime between now and Sunday midnightish, put up a post on the theme of You Know You're A Redneck Mommy (Or Daddy) When... Once you've posted, send your link along to Katie, (motherbumper@gmail.com) and she'll compile and put them all up here for Tanis to peruse at her rednecky leisure and for us to laugh at while we do our whiskey shots out of old bean cans.

Oh! And buttonz! Code below...

P90X - Insanity Workout - P90X Workout DVDs

And because it just wouldn't be a sudsy enough shower without prizes, everyone who participates will be eligible to win their choice of one of the following (names drawn at random):

1. One handcarved, sanded, and polished wooden dildo (no splinters - seriously, rednecks have been getting their groove on on fenceposts and tree branches for centuries and ain't nobody done got splintered yet. Well, 'cept for Uncle Fester that one time with the Chris'mus tree, but we don' talk about that...) Winner's choice!

2. One barely used I Heart Cooter t-shirt that has been certified to have touched the bewbs of the world famous Redneck Mommy.

3. One Redneck Mommy Makeover Basket (including your very own set of rollers, hair net, blue eye shadow, Jean Nate eau de toilette - toilet water y'all! but not that kind! fancy PARIS TOILET WATER like they has in FRANCE! - and one unopened canister of certified ozone-burning Aqua Net hairspray.)

4. One Redneck Gourmet (say that goor-METT) Dinner Basket, complete with macaroni and cheese, pork and beans, a pack of Canadian cigarettes and some Big League Chew.

And if you want to do some extra showerin', maybe consider throwing a little sumthin' into our little tin can - we're collectin' monies for supplies for newest redneck, who has some special needs: drop it paypal-style at coolmompicks@gmail.com

And/or consider making a donation to one of the following charities in honor of Tanis' angel boy, Shale, who we know, we KNOW, is just so super happy that he's getting a brand-new brother and that his mommy is bringing home another soul to hug and love:

Make A Wish Foundation

Stollery Childrens Foundation

AboutFace

Moebius Syndrome Foundation

There it is: The Great Rootin' Tootin' Shootin' Redneck Shower Yee-HAW! Go wild!

Wild Redneck Mommy Participants

Comments

ok, i have been reading all the blogs for a little bit now, and I am a lurker(bad me) but this I just couldn't pass up:
you know you're a redneck parent when you take the baby outside in July(after a shower and still in a towel) cuz the Christmas lights amuse her.

and as soon as my paypal is fully fuctional, ill be there

Posted by: Debs | February 13, 2009 at 03:45 PM

Genius idea.

Posted by: Avitable | February 13, 2009 at 04:44 PM

You know your a redneck mommy when...
you realize all the car horns blowing when they pass the house, arent' "friends", they are amused at the little "fella" with his pants around his ankles, peeing in the yard, beside the road!

Posted by: Susan | February 13, 2009 at 05:04 PM

when...
you realize the blaring car horns aren't "friends", but folks shocked that your wee one has his britches 'round his ankles and whizzin' everwhere!

Posted by: Susan | February 13, 2009 at 05:12 PM

You know your a redneck mommy when...
You're melting snow for bathwater (oh yes we did!)

Posted by: Sarah | February 13, 2009 at 05:29 PM

Oh this is HILARIOUS. I need to consult my Dad on this before I even try to make a good enough comment. Maybe I'll just go straight to paypal. Whatever the case- how nice of you to do this for Tanis and her new boy. Love it.

Steph

Posted by: Adventures In Babywearing | February 13, 2009 at 06:28 PM

When...
You put breastmilk in your coffee because your too lazy to get dressed and go to the store for milk

Posted by: mariah | February 13, 2009 at 06:59 PM

I know that that I'm a redneck because our Christmas lights are still up.

I know that I'm a redneck because our TV died and it took us weeks to get it out of our living room.

I know that I'm a redneck because my 4-year-old is a huge NASCAR fan.

Posted by: Amber | February 13, 2009 at 07:09 PM

It used to be that you knew you were a redneck mommy cause you drank wine out of a box but now the wine snobs are all about tetra packs. Guess rednecks were right all along.
Cheers to you all!
Cid

Posted by: Cid Hayhurst | February 13, 2009 at 07:14 PM

My "Ode to a Redneck Shower" or Why I Love Tanis.

http://outdoordogs.blogspot.com/2009/02/ode-to-redneck-shower.html

Posted by: Amo | February 13, 2009 at 08:28 PM

My contribution. Ehem.

I couldn't get the button to embed. There is a problem with my site but if I figure it out, I'll throw it up there. :)

Posted by: Loralee | February 13, 2009 at 09:10 PM

You start getting the kid interested in the "pretty lights" of the cops pulling speeders over in front of your house at a young age. (when you live in the city)

Your parents brag about how much dirt you ate as a child. Because redneck baies have redneck grammies too.

Posted by: Amelia Sprout | February 13, 2009 at 09:33 PM

You know you're a redneck mommy when your baby's first food is grits (not rice cereal!).

When you sleep topless on a towel because it's easier than changing your shirt/bra/nursing pads a thousand times.

When you let the baby play on the floor naked for the same reason.

When your kid has an even thicker Southern accent than you do!

When you give your kid a cookie sheet to use for a sled (and you tie plastic bags on his feet inside his shoes in place of snow boots, anyone else done that??).

When you wear muumuus because they are pretty darn comfortable, thankyouverymuch!

Posted by: Jill | February 13, 2009 at 09:42 PM

Crap. Bad HTML.
http://loraleeslooneytunes.com/2009/02/13/2584/

Posted by: Loralee | February 13, 2009 at 09:55 PM

I can remember ONE distinct redneck moment I had back when I was pregnant with my second (in summer 2007), and I've been looking all over for the picture (which got lost when I moved my blog blah blah), but can't find it. Here goes: when I was preggers with my second, I walked down the street in my nightgown. Yes, I did....!

CONGRATULATIONS, TANIS!!!

Posted by: Haley-O | February 13, 2009 at 10:05 PM

You know you're a redneck mama when the lady at the Walmarts tells you what a great big baby you have, and you response is this:

Well, he came out weighin' ten pounds cuz of all them ding dongs and pork rinds I ate gave me the gustashunal die-a-beat-us. And then after he came out, I drank about three cases of beer cuz I'se so thirsty and I hadn't touched the stuff in a couple of months. And you know how the beer helps your bewbies make more milk. Hmmmm...wonder if I'se ta get me a cow and feed it beer if it'd make more milk than a reg'lar cow.

Posted by: Pamela | February 13, 2009 at 10:15 PM

When you use a snowmobile to ride across lakes in the Summer and its considered sport. When you husband give the kids picked pigs feet from the bar for a snack. When you do all your errands in one trip to Super Wal-Mart and share some riblets at Applebees with your sweetie for Valentine's Day. Also, you may have brought home fresh road kill for the "deep freeze".

Posted by: bridge | February 14, 2009 at 12:06 AM

Y'know you're a brand-new redneck momma when the In-Laws are just a little nervous at being inside of a hospital (with all them fancified doctors and such) and tell you your baby 'weighs as much as the Chrismus ham!'

I can't tell you how excited I am for the Redneck Mommy! Seriously, I'm in (happy) tears and the four year old is wearing the worried face and patting me.

Posted by: daysgoby | February 14, 2009 at 10:35 AM

So much fun. And no Baby Ruths in the Diaper or measure the giant belly or collect the diaper pin games. I was missing the snackage, tho, so I had Girl scout cookies and nachos and Diet Coke in honor of the proud momma!

Posted by: LibraryGirl | February 14, 2009 at 11:11 AM

Congratulations Tanis! I am so happy for all of you.

I had never realised I was a redneck but I personally consider it a good day if there are rollers in my hair and don't think twice about going in my PJs.

Posted by: Lisa b | February 14, 2009 at 12:07 PM

....when you strip down your two-year old in the Costco/Sams Club bathroom, toss the sh*t-coated pants in the garbage, wash the kid in the sink (pointedly ignoring the stink-eye from the other bathroom patrons), and finally grab a diaper out of the box still in the shopping cart to have her spend the rest of the shopping trip standing half-nekkid in the cart....

Oh & naturally I was a good seven months pregnant as well - just to add to the whole picture! I was never so relieved as when I finally got into the car. I just sat there a while and let it all sink in.

Posted by: May | February 14, 2009 at 12:12 PM

http://mothergoosemouse.com/2009/02/14/theres-a-little-bit-of-redneck-in-all-of-us/

Oh yes, there is.

Posted by: mothergoosemouse | February 14, 2009 at 01:11 PM

This is wonderful... congrats Tanis...

http://gliks.blogspot.com/2009/02/celebrating-my-inner-redneckedness.html

Posted by: Karen MEG | February 14, 2009 at 02:29 PM

you know your a red neck momma when you move to the country, the next mornin' your septic backs up into the basement and your dogs get sprayed by a skunk- before 6:15 am-
at which point you start the sunday off right with a double vodka and mountain dew!

congrats tanis! your new red neck is a very lucky little boy!

Posted by: bridget | February 14, 2009 at 04:49 PM

You know your a redneck mommy when...
Your 1 yr. old is more of an alcoholic than you are.

*Yes my little girl loves her beer, but we make sure she isn't driving after we leave the bar* Haha

Posted by: Mandy V. | February 14, 2009 at 07:39 PM

**Thank you for mentioning Make-A-Wish as a charity to donate to! They are absolutely wonderful, and while no one wants to be a recipient, as a parent of a child who was granted a Make-A-Wish I am forever grateful!

AND....I knew I was a Redneck Mommy when my 2 year old pulled down his Levis at the San Francisco Zoo and peed on a tree!

Posted by: M | February 15, 2009 at 12:47 AM

Congrats tanis! I am a lurker on your site, and have been for several years. I am so excited for you! And I can't wait for all the posts coming now!

You know you're a redneck mommy when you have to teach your 3 year old son that we don't crap outside. Dogs do, but not people.

And when your husband insists the kids don't need a bath because they swam in the creek today. And you look out the window to see how muddy the creek is before you make your decision.

Posted by: Wendy | February 15, 2009 at 09:06 AM

You know you're a Redneck Mommy when your daughter is 22 has 3 kids and is on her second divorce, the last of which is from her first cousin.

Congrats Tanis!

Posted by: Adriennevh | February 15, 2009 at 10:22 AM

Okay, mine is up.

http://sarahandthegoonsquad.com/2009/02/15/a-redneck-shower/

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | February 15, 2009 at 10:44 AM

I'm in...http://blogs.chron.com/goodmombadmom/2009/02/redneck_mommy_baby_shower.html

Posted by: Jenny, bloggess | February 15, 2009 at 03:51 PM

You know you're a Redneck Mommy when...
you are sitting in your room in a central KY hospital after just having your baby boy, flip on the tv & hear on the news "And now with breaking news, police and fire crews are on the scene at ******* ******* Hospital where a child has been brought by his parents after inhaling ingredients in a bomb he made. Crews are currently trying to defuse/dismantle the bomb, which is in the parking lot." OH, so THAT's what all those sirens were...

Also, when that baby's older sister pronounces his single-syllable name w/2 or more syllables.

Posted by: Alyssa S. | February 15, 2009 at 04:01 PM

You buy your daughter this for her 2nd birthday "becauase Junior just loved the one he got from MeeMaw"

http://neatorama.cachefly.net/images/uploads/2006/11/kidstattoomaker.jpg

Posted by: Ream0Rama | February 15, 2009 at 04:39 PM

WAAAAAAAA!!! I posted about the most exciting thing to happen since ring pull cans before I saw this!

Never mind, looks like you all have it covered.

Posted by: Kelley | February 15, 2009 at 06:22 PM

my 3 year olds taken to pooing in the backyard...and the dog eats it...does this make me a redneck? lol...and there aint nothin wrong with wearing your pj's all day! congrats from a [possible] aussie redneck.

Posted by: shelly | February 15, 2009 at 10:51 PM

As I posted at Avitable's site: When the wife tells me to throw away the empty toilet roll tubes in the bathroom that have accumulated, and I throw them into Max the rabbit's cage so he can play with them.

Only so I didn't have to get out of my PJ's and get dressed and go to the dumpster. Wait, I don't wear PJ's!

Posted by: Mik | February 15, 2009 at 11:46 PM

I am so blown away.

I love you all.

And I've got my notepad out because I have learned I need to up my game to maintain my redneck status.

From the bottom of my heart, I want you all to know how much this means to me and my family.

More importantly, I want to thank you for pointing out the wooden dildo.

Cuz seriously. Every redneck needs one.

Posted by: Redneck Mommy | February 16, 2009 at 01:17 AM

I didn't do a post and thus I'm really sad about not being in the running for the dildo and all but a Paypal donation is forthcoming to help the newest lil redneck start his brand new life with his awesome new family. Much love to you, Tanis and family xoxox

Posted by: Caffeinatrix | February 16, 2009 at 01:27 AM

You know yer a redneck if...

You run out of cloth diapers and clean covers so you double up a couple kitchen towels and poke leg holes in a WalMart bag for a cover. Then you take the kid to the drive-thru liquor store 'cause ya'll done run outta beer and you've got a lot of laundry to do! (embarrassingly it's true)

You answer the door in nothing but a sheet when the sheriff comes around to evacuate everyone 'cause the levee done broke and yer about to git flooded (oh yes I did!)

You're too lazy to cook so you drag the kids over to the local bar 'cause its $1.50 pitcher day and they have free food on Sundays.

You think the grain silo looks so purty in the moonlight.

The train going by doesn't wake you up anymore like it used to.

Your 13yo begs for a huntin' jacket like all the other kids have even though she has never and will never go huntin'

The local paper regularly run pictures of kids who have bagged their first deer/turkey/whatever and the feed store always runs the biggest ads.

I could go on and on...sadly :)

Congrats to you Tanis and your whole family! What a wonderful thing!!

Posted by: Moon HalloranLeady | February 16, 2009 at 01:37 PM

You know you're a redneck mommy when you go to a family reunion to collect child support.

No, I've never done that. :)

For real,

My kids are more often barefoot filthy and only partially clothed however. Does that count?

And my little girl liked to pee outside on the flower beds.

Posted by: carrien (she laughs at the days) | February 16, 2009 at 01:55 PM

Mine is UP!! http://asouthernfairytale.com/2009/02/16/redneck-mommy-redhead-mommy-whatever/

I have no idea how to ping or trackback or any of that. But I adore Tanis and wanted to do this.

Posted by: rachel-asouthernfairytale | February 16, 2009 at 10:44 PM

You know you're a Redneck Mommy when...your daughter pukes on the floor and while you're getting paper towels to clean her up, you see Sammy (the Malte-poo) headed for the pile of puke and you don't tell him "NO!" because, hell, you don't want to clean it up and you forgot to stop and get dog food anyway...

see the rest at: http://www.imakehairrock4u2.com/2009/02/who-knew-malte-poos-were-requirement-to.html

Posted by: Shelli | February 16, 2009 at 11:42 PM

You know you're a redneck Mommy when you finally feel that the baby is old enough to take out to eat but while you're there he shits himself up to his ears and you need to throw away his ENTIRE BRAND NEW outfit and carry him back into the restaurant in nothing but a diaper cuz COME HELL OR HIGH WATER you're finishing your meal, dammit.

And your friends don't blink or ask why the baby's nekkid.

http://www.mommyalwayswins.com/2009/02/you-just-might-be-redneck-mommy.html

Posted by: Colleen - Mommy Always Wins | February 17, 2009 at 01:01 PM

Ok just cuz Tanis remarked about this on my blog last night...I give you...

"How to make a makeshift diaper out of a dish towel and a WalMart bag"

http://analogmoon.wordpress.com/2009/02/18/how-to-make-a-couple-of-dish-towels-and-a-walmart-bag-into-a-makeshift-diaperdiaper-cover-aka-you-might-be-a-redneck-mommy-if/

Posted by: Moon HalloranLeady | February 18, 2009 at 12:27 AM

My musings on redneckness...

http://crunchycarpets.com/archives/724

Posted by: Crunchy Carpets | February 19, 2009 at 11:02 PM

I am so disappointed that my nieces aren't having any more children, 'cause I would've loved to've "showered" them like this!
Congrats to Tanis on her new baby boy, and please keep the blog going.....it's my new daily addiction! :)

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Posted by: Chaney | May 18, 2009 at 02:42 PM

Hahahaha! This are so funny yet it come across in my mind. I was thinking maybe I am one of those redneck mommy.hmmm..hmmm..

Posted by: Susie @ bigjobsboard.com | September 25, 2009 at 05:15 AM

Good one, i appreciate it.

Posted by: Nursing Tank | November 13, 2009 at 12:02 PM

Some good ones!

Posted by: Handyman_Business | November 26, 2009 at 08:01 AM

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