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The Diva's Guide to 2009 Spring Fashions

Spring is just around the corner, I'm sure of it.

I know it's true because lately I've had an uncontrollable urge to weigh in on the spring fashion trends that are crowding the fashion pages of the latest magazines and newspapers.

I feel positivity giddy about the trends I'm seeing this spring - clothes are boasting the kind of bright, crazy colours and bold prints and patterns that haven't been seen since the mid 1980s. 

Sure, we're in the midst of a recession.But that's all the more reason to stop taking fashion so seriously. The 80s may not have yielded a lot of timeless classics, but the clothes were silly, irreverent and FUN, just like this spring's most wearable trends.

Frankie says Relax: I say let's check 'em out.

Wanna be a bigger loser? Read on!

Almost every Tuesday night I feel like The Biggest Loser.

And no, it's not just because I plant myself on the couch, munch snacks and watch television; it's because I plant myself on the couch, eat snacks and watch people on television swear off snacks and a sedentary life in favor of a grueling diet and exercise program intended to launch them on a lifetime path to health and fitness.

Ice Princess

Do you think there's such a thing as cold weather beauty?

I have to believe that there is.

Given that another 25 centimetres of snow just fell over the weekend here in Toronto and that the mercury has barely risen above -10 Celsius in days, there had better be. Otherwise I may as well just give up the ghost and resign myself to spending several months every year packing on extra pounds, sporting dry skin and hair and wearing dreary, shapeless clothing.

The Healing Power of Slutty Shoes

What a difference a year makes.

Remember last year when I wrote in this space about how the exchange of slutty shoes is somewhat of a Christmas tradition between my mom and !?

Well, it was. Well, it still is I guess, which is to say I did receive a very lovely pair of boots from my mother this year. And, as per usual, I did pick them out myself.

So I guess I have no one but myself to blame for fearing that, when stacked against the slutty boots and shoes of years past, those boots are a symbol of all the things that made 2008 such a sucky year.

My Oral Obsession

I never used to give my teeth a second thought.

Oh sure, I've always been aware that they could be straighter, whiter...bigger even. (Yes, in a bizarre twist of fate, despite being a notorious big mouth, the actual physical size of my mouth is rather small.)

But back to my teeth.

I've been a little obsessed with my teeth ever since my last trip to the dentist. While pointing out the worst areas where tarter collects, she casually stated as fact something that has been haunting me day and night ever since.

I have a receding gum line.

Real Housewife of Don Mills meets Real Housewife of NYC

I had it all planned.

It was going to be a snark-down of epic proportions: the Don Mills Diva vs. A Real Housewife of New York City.

I mean, have you seen the show? Taking down Alex McCord was going to be my pleasure. When I heard that she was writing a parenting book and her publicist was seeking an interview I could barely contain my glee. She was vacuous! Status-obsessed! And, despite the fact that she is a mom to two young sons - Johan and Francois - completely clueless!

Oh, it was going to be sweet alright. I would write a landmark piece, eloquent and scathing. She would be exposed as foolish and presumptuous and I would be hailed for my rapier wit.

Too bad Alex McCord had to ruin my plans by being kinda cool. 

Ride out the recession in style

As much as I might proclaim myself a diva, I've never actually been the kinda girl to spend a lot of money on the accoutrements of beauty.

If something doesn't make a statement, it just seems pointless and by that logic, fancy and expensive makeup, creams and lotions have always struck me as the ultimate waste of money - especially since I can buy the cheap stuff at the drugstore and splurge on something like this.

Anyhoo, with the markets headed south and the chill of recession upon us it seems like my cheap frugal way of thinking is actually in style. Lucky for you, when it comes to advice I've always been the pushy  generous type.

She bangs

It's a big decision in a woman's life.

In my case it was a decision that repudiated more than a year and a half of determination to change, to move forward and embrace a more grown-up and sophisticated version of the Don Mills Diva.

But in the end I just couldn't do it. I couldn't resist its siren call: the lure of the hairstyle I have returned to again and again for the last dozen years...

Fashionably drunk?

Have you ever attended a work event and ended up a little over-refreshed?

Yeah, me too.

But have you ever been a little over-refreshed at a really important work event, where you're scheduled to make a speech in front of cut-throat colleagues, important clients and the international press?

Yeah, me neither.

But then I'm not Toronto Design Council President Robin Kay who launched Toronto Fashion Week last week with a drunken speech that became a major scandal in the local media and left me pondering whether drinking on the job is ever in style.

The masochism of beauty

No I am not a masochist.

At least I don't think I am, though a logical person might dispute that assertion. I mean, logically, why would I willingly submit to, and spend my hard-earned money on, a painful ritual involving hot wax and tender bits?

You've probably done it too, haven't you? And there's no logic to it. It's the masochism of beauty and it's made a victim of even smart and enlightened women for thousands of years